Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
