dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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