there's paper in my vomit.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
