And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
