I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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