Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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