Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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