Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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