somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
