im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
