We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
