The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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