If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
