The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
