There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
P.S. I can't hear my feet
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
