dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
