Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
