apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
