Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
