Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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