A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
