my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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