my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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