remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
