Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
