If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
