you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
