i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
