I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
