I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize