Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
