i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
