Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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