I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
