This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
