Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
