She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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