I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
