after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
