He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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