You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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