Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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