The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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