***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's blow job season.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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