3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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