I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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