Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
