i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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