I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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