is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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