Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
