This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
