I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
