I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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