The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
