apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
