Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
