Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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