hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
