is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
