my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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