My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
