is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
